


Fresh Air and Memories Served Daily

by ScotlandEvander



Series: Various States [20]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Amnesia, Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Spoilers, Baking, Cooking Lessons, Defining Love, F/M, Friendship/Love, Frozen (2013) References, Gen, Lots of Cupcakes, Pop Culture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovered Memories, Repressed Memories, Temporary Amnesia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-07-11 00:48:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7017463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScotlandEvander/pseuds/ScotlandEvander
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sebastian arrived in Alaska having no idea what he was going to to upon finding who he was looking for. So, Sebastian does the only thing that makes sense to him: he learns to cook, takes up baking as a way to deal with his PTSD, spends an abnormal amount of time cleaning, and decides he must define love. </p><p>Then, one morning, he wakes up and everything in his head has changed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fresh Air and Memories Served Daily

_A/N: This story had a single theme song and it’s the only song quoted between the sections. I did go and find the original songs and credit the artists (it was sad the number I didn’t know off the top of my head and had to look up). Anyway, blame working out for this idea as it came to me during my workout while I was listening to this song— which I love. My friend turned me onto this polka after a break up and she told me I needed some Angry White Boy Polka._

**Disclaimer: If you know it, I do not own it.**

* * *

_Can’t think of anything to do / Yeah, my left brain knows that all love is fleeing / She’s just looking for something new_

_-Weird Al Yankovic, “Angry White Boy Polka” (The White Stripes, “Fell In Love With a Girl”)_

* * *

Sebastian needed to be useful, so he decided he would learn how to cook. Jess was unable to cook. She couldn’t even boil water on the stove without burning it somehow, so cooking would be a useful skill to acquire.   


He started his research into cooking by using Google. Google was the greatest invention of all time. Type anything into the little, blank bar and knowledge was at your fingertips.

Sometimes too much.

After hours upon hours scrolling through YouTube, Pinterest, and other How To websites, Sebastian found what he really wanted: a class.

Sebastian wanted to subject himself to a group of people. 

Upon realizing this was why the YouTube videos weren’t cutting it, he panicked and spent two hours lying on the floor of his room staring at the ceiling trying to process he wanted to subject himself to people other than Jess.

James Buchanan Barnes must have been a social being at heart. Hardwired in, as Sebastian seemed to want to know other people, be around them, and enjoy being around these strangers. He craved it like he yearned for caramel lattes. (Oh, man, where had those been his whole life?)

He brought it up to Jess when he picked her up from the salon. Jess did not drive due to an accident she suffered while behind the wheel while under magical mind control. Sebastian had no issue, as he understood not wanting to do something one had done while not fully in control of their actions. He also enjoyed driving and taking her to and from work made him useful. He liked being of use as well.

“You want to meet other people?” she asked, sounding disbelieving. “I thought you wanted to go HYDRA hunting.”

“I do go HYDRA hunting. I went last week.”

He did not _like_ HYDRA hunting, but he wished to rid the world of them and the other organizations doing this job were not doing it fast enough. He had no wish for HYDRA to steal another human being and turn him or her into an Asset, so he went HYDRA hunting.

“Okay, well, what do you want to do? I’m not taking you to a bar. You can’t get drunk.”

“I want to take a cooking class. Be useful.”

“Aw, Seb, you are useful. You taxi me all over town and you clean the house. I mean, you _clean_ the house.”

She stared at him with bug eyes, as he was a little thorough in his cleaning. Evidently, when one cleaned a house you didn’t wipe it down for prints and bleach all surfaces.

(Do not bleach carpet.)

(Unless it’s already white.)

(Or maybe not. He didn’t know, as Jess did not have white carpet and now it was yellow.)

(“No one wants yellow carpet, Seb. It looks like pee!”)

“Okay, fine. I’ll admit, it’d be nice to eat real food,” Jess sighed, twirling the little curl that formed at the tape of her neck. “I mean, since I moved up here, only when people visit do I actually eat meals that aren’t frozen or take out. Or in the summer when my neighbors push food on me. Lizza’s got a garden that just loves to produce too many cukes and tomatoes.”

“I will sign up for a cooking class. Confirm.”

“Confirm.”

“I have Googled cooking classes in Anchorage. There are several.”

Sebastian produced the printouts, handing them to Jess. She shuffled through them with a bewildered look on her face.

“Okay. Do you want me to go with you?”

“Confirm.”

“Okay, they’ll need to be at night,” Jess reminded him.

He nodded, producing the night class he had found. She gave him a skeptical look, but shrugged her consent.

* * *

_Do what I want ‘cause I can /If I don’t because I wanna / Be ignored by the stiff and bored because I’m gonna_

_-Weird Al Yankovic, “Angry White Boy Polka” (The Hives, “Hate to Say I Told You So”)_

* * *

He could cook. It was easy to follow the directions and his instincts understood what to do and got stronger. With each passing class, he realized James Buchanan Barnes was a kitchen wizard.   


He liked class. Besides gaining (rediscovering) useful skills, he liked being around the few classmates. The classes weren’t big, only three or four other people. No one was scared of him, no one questioned why he wore a black glove over his left hand, and no one pressured him to speak at length.

He received praise often, as he was excellent at cooking. Sebastian found he enjoyed praised for a job well done.

He wanted to tackle baking next and signed up for those classes. Jess did not join, as she said if she burned cookies and cakes it’d break her heart (after setting a pot of water on fire, she was banned cooking in class. She would come, watch, and eat).

Baking class was nice, though, even without her. He was careful to keep his distance and was glad the baking instructor was the wife of the cooking instructor and knew that sometimes he needed to be called by his name when he got a far off look on his face and sometimes he had to lie on the floor. And not to touch his left arm.

Sebastian had noticed the people of Anchorage knew how to handle vets and were sympathetic to those who suffered from PTSD, which Sebastian was sure he suffered even if he’d never been formally diagnosed. Or maybe not the entire city but at least the people at cooking class and the people in the coffee shop he went to sometimes didn’t seem bothered when he had to lie down on the floor or he jumped ten feet into the air and brandished whatever pointy object on hand. 

“You love it here, don’t you?” Jess asked one weekend while Sebastian honed his baking skills at home. He was baking a cookie recipe he found on Pinterest.

(Pinterest was great. It was full of recipes. And cleaning tips. And decorating tips. Jess had come home and looked mildly confused when Sebastian had informed her he’d feng shui-ed. She was pleased when he replaced the carpet while she was at work with cork and laminate.)

(Laminate was easier to get clean than carpet and cork looked interesting as a flooring option.) 

“I do enjoy it here,” Sebastian agreed. “It is peaceful and the people are kind.”

“But, it’s cold,” Jess pointed out. “Figured the cold would bother you.”

“The cold never bothered me anyway,” he instantly replied.

Jess snorted and smiled.

_Frozen_ was his favorite movies. 

“I’m going to get fat from all these cookies and cakes you’re baking all the time. Next thing I know you’ll buy a deep fryer and start making doughnuts.”

Sebastian looked up at her with bright eyes. “Where can I get one of those? I bet Amazon has one.”

Jess beat her head against the kitchen bar.

* * *

_But I’m on the outside / I’m looking in / I can see through you, see your true colors_

_-Wierd Al Yankovic, “Angry White Boy Polka” (Staind, “Outside”)_

* * *

It wasn’t all fun. His memories came in spurts, and not all of them were pleasant cooking related memories (he loved those, as they featured his mother and another woman he was pretty sure was Mrs. Rogers. She looked a lot like Steve Rogers). Sometimes he woke screaming after remembering the time he shot a child through the head having mistaken it for a German solider, sometimes in the middle of cooking or baking class he’d be hit with a memory of from the barracks and black out. One time he held Jess by her neck and pressed her against the wall, screaming at her in Russian to leave him alone and let him die.   


He hid in the closet for twenty-four hours till she was able to coax him out. He wouldn’t look at her for a week, till she shoved him down the stairs. He didn’t fall as he caught himself before he even stumbled, but he was so shocked he’d looked at her.

She was well, no bruises where there ought to after being held tightly by a metal hand.

“I don’t heal like a normal person, because I’m not normal,” she reminded him. “I’m doped up on this fire drug, mythical apples, and also half alien. While I’m not Steve, I’m not your average, breakable human being whose lucky to be breathing.”

“And that’s that,” he automatically finished. (He did not like Limp Bizkit, but was unable to tell Jess he did not care for their angry yelling she enjoyed.)

Jess smiled and his heart twisted.

He needed to leave.

But, he couldn’t leave.

Instead, he baked her a double dark chocolate cake with chocolate buttercream frosting. On top of that, he decorated it with chocolate sprinkles. He thought it was too much chocolate (which he did like, but not in excess—unlike caramel, which he could eat in excess), but she loved anything that went overboard.

“You didn’t need to make me a make up cake, Seb,” she sighed when she’d walked in the door after work. “But, thanks.”

She kissed his cheek and hurried to cut herself a piece. Sebastian hung the keys up and tried to figure out what was going on. His chest as it was fluttering and he was pretty sure too much blood was rushing to his face.

* * *

_We are, we are the youth of the nation / We are the youth of the nation_

_-Weird Al Yankovic, “Angry White Boy Polka” (P.O.D, “Youth of the Nation”)_

* * *

Taking out HYDRA cells did not take a lot of time. Sebastian received via Loki (he assumed, as the emails claimed to be from Loki’s iPhone) locations HYDRA cells. When he asked Jess, she had assured him the laptop was the most secure thing on the planet because it was from Other Earth (“Loki stole two MacBooks. TWO! And he didn’t give them back like he said he was going to!”) and that since he was a super spy, it was likely he’d tracked Sebastian down and somehow gotten his email address.   


It creeped Sebastian out, but it was the first location he went to and HYDRA hunted went without a hitch, so he decided Loki’s tips were legit.

The current batch Loki had sent were overseas, which proved to be a problem. Sebastian knew better than to use any of the HYDRA issued IDs he had happened upon in various HYDRA safe house he’d over turned on his way here (it was shocking the Asset needed so much identification if he was simply a weapon HYDRA aimed at people they didn’t like).

Loki solved the problem for him.

“Here, you’ve got mail,” Jess said one day, frowning deeply.

The envelope was addressed to James B. Barnes.

“It’s Loki’s handwriting,” Jess said, looking at the package as it might explode. “I’m kind of jealous. Since he ran away to join SHEILD, I haven’t heard from him. He emails you and now he’s sending to you stuff. I’m his supposed best friend.”

Sebastian stared at her. She sheepishly smiled, shaking the envelope.

“Sorry. So, it feels like a passport, that saucy little minx. And an iPhone. Or iLoki as he’s calling the ones he builds. He must like you.”

Sebastian ripped into it. Sure enough, it was a strange looking phone and a passport, using an image of Bucky Barnes smiling with an updated hairstyle. He shrugged mentally, thinking he could smile more if he had to. He glanced at the name.

“How did he know my name?” Sebastian whispered.

“Remember I told you that you looked like an actor? Well, that actor was named Sebastian Stan and he played Bucky Barnes in the movies on my world. He also played the Mad Hatter on _Once Upon a Time_ , which was where I really knew him from. It wasn’t until I got here and realized Jefferson looked all kinds of wrong that I realized Sebastian Stan must have had a role in Marvel movies.”

“He would assume I’d choose that name?”

“No. He likely picked the name of the actor who played you back on my world as a joke or something,” Jess explained. “He wouldn’t have known you’d taken the name. I didn’t tell him.”

He squeezed her hands again then let go. “I needed this. I will thank him.”

The next day, Sebastian left the country for the second time, this time on a plane and somewhat legally. He did not like flying on a commercial planes, but thanks to the drugs Jess had grudgingly given him, (“This is highly illegal. Like, I could go to jail. If only you’d go see a doctor and get your own”) he was able to put up with sitting in the metal tube, crammed in like sardines with other adults. And screaming babies.

Actually, he did not mind the screaming babies. Upon noticing he did not mind, he got up and asked if someone would switch with him so he’d be next to the screaming baby. Someone quickly volunteered and Sebastian happily sat down next to the screaming baby.

“Sorry,” the woman apologized as her son wailed till he saw Sebastian. He instantly fell silent. The woman looked surprised, but seemed grateful. “How’d you do that?”

Sebastian shrugged. “Babies don’t like the pressure change.”

“I know! I read about it, I tried everything.”

The baby continued to stare at Sebastian.

“You know, you kind of look like that guy…that guy who died that was part of the Howling Commandos. I can’t remember his name, but his picture was everywhere with Captain America when they started the Smithsonian exhibit. I bet you get that all the time.”

“I do, ma’am,” he agreed. He reached out a finger on his flesh hand towards the baby. The baby instantly latched on and pulled the finger into his mouth.

“Ryder!” the woman scolded.

“It’s fine.”

The child sucked on his finger for the remainder of the flight to Japan.

* * *

_We’re the renegades of funk / We’re the renegades of funk / We’re the renegades of funk_   


_-Weird Al Yankovic, “Angry White Boy Polka” (Rage Against the Machine, “Renegades of Funk”)_

* * *

“I like children.”   


Jess stared at him blankly.

“They seem to like me. I am not sure why. They should fear me. Most adults do.”

“Children see through your outer shell and see a man who likes to bake cookies, can frost a mean cake, and knows all the words to every song in _Frozen_.”

Sebastian eyeballed Jess for a moment before he went back to making mini caramel apple cheesecake cupcakes, but stopped humming “Let It Go.”

“I have gained ten pounds since you started baking and cooking all the time,” Jess complained.

“Work out.”

“Urg,” Jess groaned, flopping onto the newly acquired kitchen table. Cooking meals required a meal area, not a breakfast bar. “I don’t work out. I’ve got as much grace as Bella Swan.”

“Sounds like she ought to be very graceful,” Sebastian commented, drizzling caramel over the tops of the cupcakes.

He looked up when Jess did not respond to find her looking at him as if he had ten head and six arms.

“You didn’t read those yet?”

“Read what?”

“ _Twilight_.”

“No. They were not on the list you gave me of books to read,” Sebastian reminded her. He was not much of a reader, but he sloughed his way through her suggestions. Slowly. He was still working his way through book four of the Harry Potter series. It was the book that never ended.

“You kept that? I made that while I was drunk,” Jess sputtered.

“You were drunk?” Sebastian asked, pausing in dribbling caramel.

“I made it for Jim shortly after he got here. We went out and he didn’t know anything, so I made him a list while we were at the bar, but then he went off with SHEILD and never came back,” Jess bemoaned. “Everyone leaves me for SHEILD.”

“Stop being melodramatic. I will not leave you for SHEILD.”

Jess didn’t respond, so he looked up once more to find her smiling at him sadly. This smile made his chest hurt. He did not like this smile. She should not smile that way.

“But, you will leave,” she quietly said to the table top, still smiling sadly.

“No. Why would I leave?”

“Steve.”

“I don’t want to go with Steve. Steve wants Bucky. I am not Bucky.”

“Steve would like Sebastian,” Jess pointed out.

“I am not Bucky. Steve wants Bucky.”

Having had this augment many times before, Jess sighed and stared at the table before she stood and left the room. Sebastian, flustered, went back to drizzling caramel. When she finally returned, she had her laptop and claimed it was high time he see something epically bad.

That night he learned he loathed _Twilight_ but above all Bella Swan.

* * *

_Cause I’m losing my sight, losing my mind / Wish somebody would tell me I’m fine / Nothing’s all right, nothing is fine_

_\- Weird Al Yankovic, “Angry White Boy Polka” (Papa Roach, “Last Resort”)_

* * *

At one point, the Asset had questioned what  _love_ was. Sebastian had no idea who the Asset had questioned, or why he was questioning anything, but Sebastian did remember really wishing the Asset understood love.   


Sebastian did not understand love, even with all the early memories filled with loving people.

Steve loved Bucky. This Sebastian accepted without fail. It was a fact. But, just because Steve loved Bucky did not mean Sebastian understood why Steve was searching the globe for Bucky. Sebastian watched from afar as the man ran himself ragged hunting down the scepter Jess had used as a fire witch (at least that was what Sebastian hoped they were looking for, as he knew HYDRA had it (how he knew he had no idea) and they should not have something like that) and follow the leads he got on the HYDRA cells Sebastian was taking down. Steve and his friend (or just the friend) always showed up within a few hours after Sebastian finished clearing out a HYDRA cell. Sometimes it was a few days, but usually hours. (Steve could somehow travel faster than Sebastian could, as how did he globe trot so quickly?) One time, they literally passed each other. Luckily it was in a heavily forested area, so Sebastian was able to quickly climb a tree when he heard Steve crashing through the forest shouting at his friend.

If Steve was the definition of love, it meant trying to kill yourself finding someone who did not wish to be found.

Sebastian did not understand.

Google thought love was something romantic, having to do with relationships between two people who were attracted to one another.

Steve was not attracted to Bucky, as he was in a romantic relationship with Loki— or he’d been in one. Sebastian wasn’t clear on the status of that relationship now that Loki had run away to SHEILD. Jess said that Steve and Loki were sickeningly in love, so they’d work their problems out, but Sebastian did not comprehend how they’d work out with Loki hiding from Steve and Steve not bothering to look for Loki. 

Watching television didn’t help. _Sherlock_ told him love was a chemical defect found on the losing side (this made sense to the Asset side of him, though he could not explain it), while _Days of Our Lives_ told him people did lots of stupid things in the name of love and it always ended badly.

There were many songs about love, lots of them. Too many for Sebastian to get through. And many of them he could not stand to listen to or even understand even if they claimed to be in English.

Love seemed to be very important and it frustrated him to no end he didn’t get it.

“What is love?” Sebastian finally asked Jess one winter’s night while they ate reindeer stew.

“Huh?” Jess asked, looking up at him.

Her hair was no longer blonde, but light pink. Well, except where her dark roots were showing. Sebastian liked it.

“What is love? I have Googled it and the results were overwhelming and confusing.”

Jess blinked at him.

Sebastian sighed and went back to eating.

“It’s an emotion,” Jess tried. “Usually strong. You…care a lot about something when you love.”

“Like…family?”

“Yeah,” Jess said, nodding frantically. “Love is…I’ve no idea how to explain it really.”

“Yes, I’m getting that feeling,” Sebastian admitted. “I have read it is a profound emotion and it is vital for human beings to feel loved. I do not know if I am…I do not understand.”

Jess looked at him with huge, green eyes. He studied her carefully, guarding himself against pity, but there was no pity expressed in her eyes. Only wonder.

“Androids do not love,” Sebastian explained. “Like on _Stat Trek: The Next Generation_. Data does not love. Maybe I’m an android. I do not…care enough about…”

He wasn’t sure where he was going with that.

“You’re not an android.”

“Data wondered about love.”

“Data wondered about a lot of things,” Jess pointed out. “You’re human. You bleed, you fall down, and you get back up again.”

“I bleed and fall down. I’m only human.”

Something short circuited in his head.

When he became aware of his surroundings once again, he was on the floor staring up at the ceiling with a worried Jess hovering over him.

“What happened? Usually you only go down on the floor when you have a panic attack, but you were very calm before…well, you fell out of your chair.”

“I’m only human.”

“Uh, yeah.”

“I bleed.”

“You do. Not for long, but you do bleed.”

“And I fall down.”

“Uh, sure. What is going on, Seb?”

Sebastian slowly sat up, a song ringing in his head, rattling around on the edge of his mind.

“Human. Song. Confirm.”

“There are several songs…oh.”

Jess fell backwards and landed with a thump. She looked pained.

“I didn’t.”

“You did not what?”

“I did something to you when I was an orange fire demon,” Jess clarified. “What did I do?”

“Unknown. Only…I’m human. I’m only human. Just a little human.”

Jess mouthed the words, jumping to her feet. She came back with her iPhone, the strange thing that came from her own Earth. Her fingers flew across the screen and suddenly tinny sounding music came out of the tiny speakers.

And he knew it.

Word for word.

“I know this song. Why do I know this song?”

“Likely because I made you? I had the spear Loki used to make his drones…” Jess trailed off. “Why are you wondering what love is?”

She sounded scared.

“Because while I was the Asset, I wondered. During that last day…part of me….loved something. The Asset did not understand. I wished to understand.”

“Do you know what…made the Asset want to know?”

Sebastian shook his head. “It’s not very clear. I think something the redhead did impressed me. But, I disliked her quite strongly as well.”

“Natasha brings that out in a lot of people.”

“The redhead.”

“Yeah. Natasha.”

They stared at one another.

Sebastian liked looking at Jess. He found her looks pleasing, especially her smile. She wasn’t smiling.

“What?” Jess worriedly asked.

He smiled at her, hoping to provoke one out of her. She looked more worried.

“Why are you concerned?”

“I used the scepter on you!” she exclaimed. “Neither one of us knows what I did, but what if…”

“What?”

“You’re my mind drone?” she whispered, putting her hand over her mouth and looking as if she wanted to vomit.

“I am not a mind drone. I have no idea what you want,” he pointed out. “I do not know what you want me to do.”

“Then what did I do to you?”

“Made me remember that I was human, just a little human,” he filled in, pushing himself up and getting to his feet. “You told me I was James Buchanan Barnes and Steve Rogers was my friend.”

“I didn’t…tell you to trust me or anything?”

“Most of what the orange woman said made no sense, but she left the song, James Buchanan Barnes, and Steve Rogers is my friend.”

“You remember the orange woman?”

“Bits and pieces,” he admitted. “Like everything else, there’s nothing solid. Except when she brought me to Anchorage at my request. I have not seen her since.”

Jess nodded. “Have you been knocked out since…I last used it?”

Sebastian thought about it. “I believe Steve knocked me out on the hellicarrier. You…did not press the specter to my chest before you left me there.”

“I just left you?”

“Steve had to save me. I had to see him do it,” Sebastian realized. “That was why I remembered him.”

“Oh.”

“I didn’t know what to do with myself after till I realized I knew your eyes. That’s…that is all.”

“You travelled all the way to Anchorage from DC because you thought you knew my eyes?”

Sebastian nodded. “That and you said ‘first avenger.’ I remembered that from somewhere. I am not sure where as of yet.”

“Okay. So, love?”

“I will inquire with someone else,” Seb assured, finishing his stew.

Jess didn’t finish hers, but spent the rest of the meal staring at him while chewing on her thumbnail.

* * *

_I’m gonna get free, I’m gonna get free, I’m gonna get free / Ride into the sun / She never loved me, she never loved me, she never loved me / Why should anyone?_

_\- Weird Al Yankovic, “Angry White Boy Polka” (The Vines, “Get Free”)_

* * *

He asked Maria. She taught the baking lessons and had been married to the same man for twenty-seven years.   


“Love, sweetheart? You don’t know what that is?”

“I am unsure what I feel can be categorized as love.”

Sebastian knew that was the best way to frame the question to someone who did not understand who he was, as teenagers and children often asked how their parents knew they were in love. Or what love was, or how to know when they were in love.

“Ah,” she smiled knowingly and smiled at him fondly. “It’s the girl you live with, right? Nice girl, disaster in the kitchen.”

Maria shook her head, befuddled.

Jess perplexed everyone when she set foot in a kitchen.

Even though Jess was not why he wished to know what love was, he nodded.

“When you fall in love, everything makes sense,” Maria offered, looking a little sappy. “People always say you just know that you’re in love. Tragically, it’s true. It’s a wonderful feeling, makes you feel lighter than air. Sometimes, it can hurt.”

“Hurt?”

“How much you care, it can hurt. But, it can be a good hurt.”

That made no sense.

“But, if you care for someone, think of them often, put their needs above your own…”

“You’ve watched _Frozen_ ,” Sebastian proclaimed, suddenly remembering the scene where the snowman explained love to Anna. “I forgot. And now I remember.”

Maria stared at him, frowning.

“Olaf’s explanation is a better explanation than a chemical defect,” Sebastian happily declared.

Maria stared at him with a strange look on her face, but the timer on the oven went off and the sugar cookies were done.

* * *

_So I (what’d you do?) / I turned around (right around) / “Oh, baby, gonna be alright” / It was a great big lie (big old lie)_

_\-- Weird Al Yankovic, “Angry White Boy Polka” (The Strokes, “Last Night”)_

* * *

Jess went to New York for Christmas. She asked him several times if he was going to be fine on his own and he assured her that Maria had invited him to her home to celebrate with her husband and their children. He did not tell her he had turned the invitation down, as while he enjoyed Maria’s company, he did not want to spend a family fueled holiday with a family.   


He remained at home and watched _Frozen._

“So,” an oil slick voice sounded right as Elsa began to sing “Let It Go”.

Sebastian leapt to his feet, drawing his gun and pointing it at the man who had somehow broke into the house and gotten behind him without Sebastian noticing.

The man didn’t move an inch. He remained relaxed, his hands in his pockets and a crooked smile on his thin lips.

“Who are you and what do you want?”

“I’m Loki and I’m here to see you,” he easily replied.

“Loki?” Sebastian asked. “As in…Loki Laufey-Odinson? Jess’s best friend? The one who sends me on HYDRA missions?”

“Yes.”

Sebastian loosened the hold on the gun but did not lower it.

“Do you have a mission for me?”

“No. It’s Christmas.”

Sebastian frowned.

“I’ve no one to spend it with, nor do I care. As I’m not from this planet, its celebrations are a bit beyond me,” Loki offered, casually moving forward, hands still hidden in his pockets. “Ah, _Frozen._ I’m not overly fond of that movie.”

“I like it.”

“To each his own,” Loki offered. “I would suggest a more holiday themed movie.”

Sebastian lowered the gun a little, eyeing the other man. He looked like the photos Jess had of Loki, only he was gaunter and had longer hair.

He looked terrible.

What did Steve see in this man?

“I know Jessica owns it,” he went on, going around Sebastian. “She loves the movie to death, so she brought it with her. That and Harry Potter.”

“Feelings on Harry Potter unknown due to incomplete data.”

“Of course,” Loki agreed, fishing through the bin of DVDs that sat under the TV. Sebastian kept the gun out, but lowered it fully. “Ah, here we go.”

He extended a DVD case towards Sebastian. He took it in his free hand.

“ _Love Actually_?”

“Yes. It’s a movie all about love,” Loki drawled, flopping down onto the couch and taking up a lot of room for someone so thin. “I heard you’ve had questions on the topic. Did Jessica not show you this?”

“No. The topic made her uncomfortable.”

Loki raised an eyebrow.

“I asked someone else.”

Loki looked at the TV, sighed, and folded his arms across his chest.“Well, if you plan to get your definitions of emotions from entertainment, you mustn’t forget _Love Actually_.”

“I was avoiding things with the word in it,” Sebastian admitted. “I will watch this when _Frozen_ has concluded.”

“You will.”

“Confirm.”

Loki stared at him for a beat before looking back at the TV.

Loki remained throughout the day, watching the movie with him (so complicated, so complicated, yet simple), and eating all the cookies in the house.

“There are many types of love,” Loki said after the last of the cookies had vanished between his thin lips. “I’m sure people have told you this, or you’ve figured this out.”

Sebastian nodded. “ _Love Actually_ contained many types of love.”

“Correct. But, it comes down to what you feel, Sebastian. Love cannot be quantitated or explained. You just…love. Even when you wish you did not.”

“Confirm.”

Loki turned himself to face Sebastian where he sat in an uncomfortable chair (because Loki took up the whole couch).

“So, Sebastian, who do you love?” 

Sebastian looked at Loki blankly.

“No one.”

Loki rolled his eyes and sighed over dramatically.

“You love Steve, yet you are here.”

“I am a danger to Steven,” Loki darkly replied, fluidly getting to his feet.

Sebastian followed, frowning deeply.

“I have always known this, but was foolish enough to think I could have him.”

“You cannot?”

“No. The world hates me, even at this time of year and after littering the world in Birkin bags with a side of charity,” Loki sighed. “They likely always will.”

“Steve loves you.”

“I know.”

“I do not understand.”

“And you never will.”

* * *

_Get up, come on get down with the sickness / Madness is the gift that has been given to me_

_\-- Weird Al Yankovic, “Angry White Boy Polka” (Disturbed, “Down With the Sickness”)_

* * *

“What is happening?”   


“I don’t know.”

“Is this for real?”

“I hope not.”

“The Hulk was rampaging around Africa a few days ago.”

“You believe it is connected?”

“Yeah.”

“Where do you think they came from?”

“I’ve no idea. Loki is being silent. Has been for weeks.”

“Confirm.”

Jess made an unhappy face, but went back to watching the live broadcast of…whatever was happening. There was an army of robots in Eastern Europe that seemed hell bent on killing the human race led by a larger robot who wanted the world to be at peace. From its rantings it posted online, Sebastian thought the robot had a major God complex.

“What the hell. They look like a bastardized Iron Mans,” Jess muttered. “I can’t watch this any longer. I’m going to go boil some water.”

“What? Deny! You cannot do that!”

“In the tea kettle! I can use the tea kettle! I’ve never melted it, set it on fire, over boiled, exploded it, or anything!”

* * *

_Bawitdaba da bang da dang diggy diggy / Diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie_

_\- Weird Al Yankovic, “Angry White Boy Polka” (Kid Rock, “Bawitdaba”)_

* * *

It occurred to him when he received a picture instead of an assignment from Loki that maybe he did feel love. He stared at the photograph that had arrived in the mail, wondering how Loki had taken it. It was of him and Jess at the grocery store doing their weekly shopping trip. Jess wasn’t looking at Sebastian, but excitingly gazing at the baked goods on display. Sebastian had no idea why she seemed to think the cupcakes sold at Fred Meyers were better than his (they were not). However, what drew his eyes was not the look of bliss on Jess’s face at the thought of the vanilla bean cupcakes, but his own face, his own expression as he looked at her. He had thought he’d been looking at her in an exasperated manner, but he wasn’t.   


He wore a fond expression. A tiny smile, eyes twinkling.

He looked like a dope in love.

Flipping the photo over, he read the message Loki had written.

_Look familiar?_

Sebastian snorted. It did, in fact. He’d seen that expression on many TV shows, movies, and photos since he’d started his quest to discover what love was, to define it, and understand it.

He did not understand.

He never would. Just as Loki had said.

But, he did get why his heart flipped and raced at the sight of Jess’s smile, why he cared so much for her welfare, and why he put up with her buying Fred Meyers vanilla bean cupcakes when he could make them better.

He loved her.

He felt warm and fuzzy.

Just like Maria had said.

He also was greatly content.

He slid the photo into one of the frames in the room that had held an art print Jess claimed he might like (he didn’t). He smiled at the photo, nodding.

* * *

_‘Cause I’m Slim Shady, yes I’m the real Shady / All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating / So won’t the real Slim Shady please / Please, please stand up_

_\--Weird Al Yankovic, “Angry White Boy Polka” (Eminem, “The Real Slim Shady”)_

* * *

“I remember everything.”   


Jess startled, blinking at him.

“Everything everything?”

“Everything about life before I fully became the Asset.”

“Your time as, uh, the Asset?”

“That’s less clear. I believe they erased missions after the fact, so I had less time to hold onto those memories than the ones I made before the train. It’s just bits and pieces.”

“You didn’t have the train ones long,” Jess pointed out.

“Longer than any mission memories.”

“Oh.”

“They didn’t begin erasing until long after Steve was dead, once they realized that even though…he was dead, I wasn’t gonna give in.”

“Oh,” Jess said, looking very pained. “So, uh, you remember yourself as Bucky now? Fully?”

“Confir— I mean, yeah. I do.”

Jess bit her lip. “So, you’re going to be Bucky now?”

“No,” he quickly said. “I’m still Sebastian. I just remember bein’ Bucky Barnes.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“It’s been over a year since the events of DC. My memory is as recovered as it’s gonna get.”

“Gonna get?” Jess asked, looking as if she as constipated.

Sebastian took a step towards where she was standing behind the breakfast bar. She backed away from him. He stopped moving forward, frowning.

“Yeah,” he agreed, working hard not to say _confirm_. “What’s wrong? You look like you gotta shit but can’t.”

“Gotta shit but can’t,” she echoed, her eyebrows moving impossibly high on her forehead. “Uh, no. I’m fine. Perfectly fine. Fine. Totally. So, you still want me to call you Sebastian?”

“You never call me Sebastian. You call me Seb.”

“Oh, well, yeah, but you don’t want me to call you Bucky?”

“No. That’d be weird.”

He went back to his cake batter and started mixing again.

“What is that?” Jess asked.

“Apple cake. Steve loved it when we were kids,” Sebastian recalled. He made a thoughtful noise and poured it into the cake pan. “I changed it up a little from what I remember. Doubt he’d like that, but things are different now. Well, I guess I could get lard. I saw it somewhere.”

“Uh, yeah. Lard,” Jess echoed. “I’m gonna, uh…”

“Are you sure you okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah. I’m just…going to go to, uh, REI. I need skis.”

Jess grabbed the car keys and ran out of the house. Sebastian stood blinking at the still opened front door as he heard the car start. He watched dumbly out the front door as the car backed down the driveway and squealed as it drove off.

Jess didn’t drive.

Why was she driving?

“She doesn’t ski,” Sebastian realized. “It’s also spring.”

Granted, if she went into the mountains, she could cross country ski, but she didn’t enjoy hiking (“Unless I’m going to find another Tom Hiddleston look-a-like, but then again, that ended with a head injury”) and she’d likely have to hike to find skiable snow.

Also: she did not ski.

Sebastian finished making the apple cake, making notations on what he’d changed from the recipe he’d remembered with startling clarity that morning.

It was as if that memory was the last thing he needed to break through some sort of force field that had been living in head. It’d left him breathless as Bucky Barnes returned full force.

He could be James Buchanan Barnes now, could likely fool Steve into thinking he was the man the guy was so desperate to find.

He wasn’t going to, though. He still was the guy he’d been creating for the past year: Sebastian Stan.

Sebastian Stan loved to bake but didn’t like to bake bread, Sebastian Stan had PTSD and spent an abnormal amount of time casing a room for snipers, lying on the floor in order to feel something solid at his back, and drank too many caramel lattes. Sebastian Stan also loved one girl, just one.

Sebastain Stan. Eh, he didn’t like that right now. It was fine before, but…he was also Bucky Barnes.

Sebastian remembered liking to dance, loved talking to other people, meeting new folks, and being best buds with Steve Rogers. He remembered feeding Stevie constantly (always feeding Stevie), caring for Stevie (when he let him), punching idiots who picked on Stevie (or Steve picked on them for picking on someone else), and praying to anyone listening that Stevie wouldn’t wind up in the hell hole Barnes had found himself once he’d arrived in Europe.

Sebastian Barnes.

Hey, that had a good ring to it. And it combined who he once was and who he was now.

Sebastian sat down at the breakfast bar and pulled out the box he kept all his various recipes successes and filed the apple cake one away. Flipping to the area where the frosting recipes were stored, he looked for one to go with the apple cake. Mrs Rogers never frosted the apple cake she’d make, just drizzle something sweet over the top, usually a little simple syrup she’d spike with some cinnamon or nutmeg, as making frosting was a little overkill during the Great Depression.

Hmmm, cinnamon icing. A little powder sugar, milk, and cinnamon. That’d work.

He missed Steve. There was a hollow spot in his metaphorical heart where Steve belonged.

Maybe it was time to let Steve know he was okay and where he was?

For the first time in over a year, thinking that thought didn’t sent him into a panic.

* * *

_This time I’m ‘a let it all come out / This time I’m ‘a stand up and shout / I’m ‘a do things my way / It’s my way, my way or the highway_

_-Weird Al Yankovic, “Angry White Boy Polka” (Limp Bizkit, “My Way”)_

* * *

Jess returned several hours later, long after the cake had cooled and was frosted. The newly created cinnamon frosting went with the apple cake wonderfully. Sebastian couldn’t wait to show Maria.    


“You want to go back, don’t you?”

He looked up at her from where he was reading the last Harry Potter book. (They were on a never ending camping trip.) 

“Go back where?”

“Don’t play dumb. You remember being Bucky. You can go back to Steve.”

He stared at her for a long time before he shook his head. “I’m not leaving you, doll. But, I think it’s time to let Stevie know I’m okay and where I’ve been. I know he’d be thrilled if I just showed up, but he’s livin’ with all those superheroes now and I can’t just go and break in, so I gotta think about how I want this reunion to go.”

“You could just break in.”

“Yeah, the Winter Solider isn’t gonna break in. I don’t think so, doll.”

“Fine.”

Jess sat down at the table across from him.

“What do you want to do?”

“Loki crawled out of his hole he’s been hiding in,” Sebastian told her. “Got an email about an hour ago. This is the last one, then I’m done.”

“But, it’s HYDRA. They’ve got all those heads.”

“And I keep cuttin’ them and they keep poppin’ up. I’m tried, Jess. So freakin’ tired of all the blood. I never wanted this, never wanted to be a solider. You know, I didn’t enlist. I lied to Steve and the twerp never figured it out.”

“The fandom did,” Jess whispered. Sebastian quirked an eyebrow and shut his book. “I saw a post on Pinterest on Other Earth about your army number. If you’d enlisted it’d’ve started out differently.”

“Yeah. I guess that stuff is public knowledge now, ain’t it?”

“Yeah,” Jess said slowly.

“Never wanted to be a solider and now that I know this, I can’t un-know it, ya know?”

“Sure,” she said looking at him funny.

“What?”

“You’re accent is different now. I noticed it this morning, but thought I was just hearing things, but I guess it makes sense.”

“It’s different?”

“Yeah. You’re full on Brooklyn now, no longer flat and area-less. And you’re using a lot slang. You didn’t do that before. And contractions.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. It’s just a little weird to see you do a full turn into Bucky Barnes overnight. It wasn’t like a casual slip or anything. You went to bed Sebastian and woke up Bucky.”

“I’m still Sebastian. I just remember Bucky now. And I guess sound like him.”

“No, you remember. You are Bucky Barnes, okay? I know you used to tell me you’re not, but you are and it’s freaking me out.”

He shrunk back into himself.

“No, no. I’m sorry. God, Seb, I’m sorry.”

He couldn’t speak, due to the amount of hurt he was feeling.

“Yesterday, you were Sebastian. And you’re still Sebastian, okay? I get that. But, you’re also Bucky and it’s just jarring and I don’t know how to feel, okay? It’s really crappy of me, but I feel like I’m going to loose you.”

“Why?”

“Well, if you go let Steve know where you are, then, well, this is over.”

“No it’s not. I’m not going to be a superhero. I’m still the same guy I was yesterday, only with a head less full of swiss cheese. Like I said, I remember everything pre-brain wipes. After that, all those decades I was the Asset, it’s still swiss cheese.”

“Oh. Okay. You really want to stay here?”

“I like it here. I mean, maybe I should look into my own apartment.”

Jess gave him a complicated look that he didn’t want to analyze. 

“Steve would come here,” Sebastian said, standing and heading into the kitchen. “If you call him, ask him to come, he would. We could surprise him!”

“He will kill me for knowing where you are for a year and not telling him while he chased after your coattails.”

“Yeah, you’re right. He’s an idiot. We’ll go to him. I mean, you visit him right?”

“Not since he moved out to the middle of nowhere New York State after the Ultron thing. He moved out there after Stark finished revamping his warehouse into the new, shiny headquarters. I’m not sure why he couldn’t stay at the tower, but whatever.”

“Well, then, we’ll go there and visit him.”

“Fine.”

“After I get back. Book two tickets to NYC.”

“Okay. How are you going to get through the metal detector?”

“I’ve gotta note. How do you think I’ve been flying for a year?”

“Oh. Yeah.”

“So, buy two tickets and we’ll go surprise Steve.”

“He won’t like it.”

“He won’t care. He’s getting me back,” Sebastian pointed out.

“What do you wanna be called?”

“Seb,” he quietly said. “I like it when you call me that.”

“What are you going to call yourself?”

“Sebastian because James will just confuse poor Loki, as what’s he gonna call Nicholls if he can’t call him James?”

Jess snorted.

“Okay. You really like Sebastian?”

“Yeah. It’s different. Only Sebastian I knew of was a saint Stevie told me about,” Sebastian said. “I always liked when he told me those stories. My family wasn’t Catholic, so I was kind of fascinated by the whole Catholic church. It was so…different from what I got told at Sunday School.”

“Same here, though I didn’t know anyone who was Catholic. Well, no one who was currently practicing. We did this getting to know other religions thing when I was in junior high and went to all these other churches in the area. Kinda cool. My favorite was the synagog, but I think that’s because there were doughnuts. But, I read about the Catholic church, especially after I read the Dan Brown books. Boggles my mind.”

“Steve was really into it as a kid, but after his mom died, he stopped goin’. I couldn’t get him to go and I felt like I failed him somehow.”

He frowned, remembering those days after the funeral, how Steve kept pushing forward and refused to do anything he’d done before his mom had died. He tried to push Bucky away, so he’d told him flat out that he’d be with him till the end of the line.

Thank god he’d sat that and meant it so much. Pretty sure Steve repeating those words was what really snapped the programing more than getting whacked on the head.

Anyway, to prove his point, Bucky threw himself into doing things he enjoyed and dragged Steve with him. Steve went along broodily, but slowly started doing things he’d done before. Mostly getting into fights, but he was smiling and laughing, drawing and cartooning again, so Bucky put up with the alley brawling. 

If he didn’t go to church any more, it was no skin off Bucky’s back, as Bucky didn’t go to church too regularly either since moving out from under his mother’s thumb. 

“He still prayed,” Sebastian remembered. “He carried around a rosary during the war. Not sure he used it or if it was just a memento of his mom. Pretty sure he hid it from everyone but me, as it was a closely guarded secret Captain America was Catholic and an Irish immigrant’s son.”

“Like Kennedy, only that wasn’t a secret,” Jess amended. “Also, was Joe Kennedy an immigrant or was he second generation? I don’t remember. I’ll Wiki it.”

Something flashed before Sebastian’s eyes. Green hills, warm air, people cheering. It was gone before he could figure out what it was.

* * *

_I don’t think you trust in my self-righteous suicide / I cry when angles deserve to die, die, die / D-d-die die die die die hey_

_-Weird Al Yankovic, “Angry White Boy Polka” (System of a Down, “Chop Suey”)_

* * *

It’d gone all wrong, of course.   


The trip to Thailand had gone well enough. He’d had no issues there. It wasn’t until he’d gotten back to Bangkok he ran into trouble. First, he’d noticed Natasha Romanov lurking around and had to avoid her. Second, HYDRA was hunting for him, likely knowing he was behind all the bases blowing up without warning. Third, there was some hot shot kid who was pretending he was the new head of HYDRA was also sniffing around. Fourth, there was some sort of task force from unknown origins after him.

He ditched his cell phone, mourning for it as it was a special one Loki had made for him, but he hoped in ditching it, Loki would realize something was wrong and send let Jess know something was wrong.

He ran.

He ran across mountains, through jungles, over boarders until he was able to smuggle himself from Russia and into Alaska. He thought he was home free when he realized he was being trailed. He could not lead them to Jess, so he hoped a plane in Anchorage. He picked up a burner phone and did mean to use it once he landed and was sure he’d lost his tail, but his tail caught up with him and he never was able to put out a call for help.

* * *

_I fell in love at once and almost completely / She’s in love with the world / Sometimes these feelings can be so misleading_   


_-Weird Al Yankovic, “Angry White Boy Polka” (The White Stripes, “Fell In Love With a Girl”)_


End file.
